For the first time I am writing without having a title and topic in mind. Every time I try to write something it goes cold and I have to stop. I think I have four or five drafts unfinished.
What is happening? I am going through a horrendous pain flair – my fibromyalgia, knee problem and (I am pretty sure) kidney infection are all vying for my attention. On top of that I am fatigued beyond belief. For the last few months I could not sleep thanks to pain, coughing and sinus headaches. Now, I am sleeping most of the night and pretty much all afternoon without feeling the least bit rested when I wake up.
I am not depressed, definitely not manic and even my OCD and perfectionism are for the most part in check.
Why have I not gone to a doctor about the acute pain that may be my kidney? I am tired of doctors. My GP is away and to tell my story to a new doctor either at a clinic or hospital is just too much work. They usually just blame it on my chronic pain conditions without doing tests and send me home with narcotics that I don’t want.
But I guess I have no right to complain if I am not wanting to do anything about it. So, I will probably let my hubby take me to the clinic tomorrow and see what happens from there.
I don’t plan to write too many posts like this one. But I do have to say that it feels good to just get it out. I have been feeling rotten in some way, physical or mental all my life. Most of the time I just try to take it in stride.
Two friends (who are reading this) told me that last Sunday our Pastor used one of our conversations as a teaching moment in his sermon. He had asked me awhile ago, if just one person came to Christ because of all my challenges, would it be worth it. I very quickly and joyfully said “YES!!!” Hearing that he used this in relation to Paul, made my heart skip a beat and a tear come to my eye. The congregation also prayed for me as pain stopped me from attending, even though there is now a second, later service that I hope to make it to.
It is true, I firmly believe that God has allowed all this to happen to me to help others. And while I do complain a bit, as I am only human, I would go through it all again if I knew it was for His good.
So, while my opening paragraph said I didn’t know what to write about and didn’t have a title, as usual this post wrote itself and the title came about half way in. Yes, I rant, but God always finds a way to show me His great love for me.