Mother’s Day has been the toughest day of the year for me for most of my adult life. I lost my Mom 20 years ago to cancer and she always said, “If you can’t show your love 365 days a year, you don’t need to celebrate it one day made up by card companies and florists”. I always did celebrate it with her and I did show my love throughout the year or I at least tried to.
As I have mentioned many times, I was not able to have a child of my own and that hurt me for many years. How could God keep the one thing I wanted more than anything away from me? But He had good reasons. During my childbearing years, I was deep into my mental illnesses. My first husband was definitely NOT father material and to have a child connected to that marriage would have meant I was tied to him for the rest of my life even after I left him. By the time I married my current wonderful hubby, I was in my early 40’s and our first years of marriage were tough as I worked through the baggage from my past. Then I had problems which lead to surgery ending any chance of having a child.
God knew all this and He had something else in mind.
I have written about some of the children He has put in my life but there are literally hundreds from youth and children’s groups, summer camps and the neighbourhood kids. And some of my “kids” are having children of their own.
I have finally have peace in the knowledge that God always gives you what you can handle and I believe He was right to not put a child in my care full-time because I didn’t have the resources mentally and physically to look after it. However, I have been able to even use my health issues and past to help and guide some of the young people in my life.
I never wanted to be at church on Mother’s Day and made it better in earlier years by working in the tech booth and making videos with music and pictures of Mothers and “Mother’s at Heart”. While I am part of the latter, I never felt it…
Kid’s would come up to me with carnations handed out and cards and I loved it but there was still an emptiness…
My hubby bought me a cute summer hat (I can’t go in the sun without one and I hate hats) and said it was my Mother’s Day present. I love it, and didn’t even question the Mother’s Day part as I normally would. He then said we should go for lunch tomorrow instead of our usual Sunday dinner out because it would be busy for M-Day. I felt good.
And today I told him that I really want to try and go to church on Sunday even knowing what day it was. He smiled. I don’t know if my physical issues will allow it, but my mental and emotional side have already picked out what I want to wear!
Even if I don’t make it, I am at peace with my situation and can embrace the day!
Happy Mother’s Day to all Mothers, and to Mothers at Heart. And for all of you who can not celebrate because you have lost a mother or child or have been unable to have them – I understand and send a virtual carnation and hug to you.