Crash and Burn

You know the old saying “which came first, the chicken or the egg?”. Well I am not sure which came first – my pain or my depression. What I do know is I believe they are both related to stress.

I have talked a lot here about being stronger than my mental illness. I actually was able to convince myself I had my pain levels under control as well. The purging of our house to get it ready for sale also seemed well in hand.

So what happened? Why did I plunge into a deep dark hole of despair these last several days? Why did my pain levels suddenly become unbearable? Why did the thought of buying a new home take over my mind and not in a good way?

I could debate this all day and never come up with an answer. In fact, the more I think about any of it the worse I feel. But it is just as difficult to let it all go.

Money plays a big part of it. Although I have not felt manic in a long while, I did have a bit of a manic spending spree. When my husband started working on the budget this weekend I had to justify some of my spending. However, this morning I feel a little more free thanks to doing that. Hubby says he has faith that if God wants us to own a house He will make it happen. Then Lord, I pray you will help me control my spending habit! Amen.

My pain and fatigue are making the juggling act of keeping up with daily cleaning and meal routines very challenging. Then I need to add to that getting through the staging process. I believe I have either a kidney infection or a stone which doesn’t help on any level.

Kay has been here for a week as she pinched a nerve or something in her neck and has been on heavy pain killers. It is always good to have her and when I was at my lowest yesterday she was a real blessing – talking frankly to me and taking me for a short walk. She and my hubby are very special people.

So, what am I going to do about my pain and despair? I would like to say I am going to put on my big girl panties and face the world head on. However, I am not that strong yet so I think I will curl up in my Father’s arms for another day and allow Him to do His work in me and around me. For only the Lord knows what my future looks like and at the moment I just want to rest and stop worrying about what lies ahead.

At least for today.