My obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is probably the one condition I talk about the least. In fact, I am not sure I have mentioned it here before. I was diagnosed with it before my bipolar or my clinical depression.
Most of my obsessions and compulsions came about during and/or because of my upbringing. I have mentioned my binge eating, which I believe is much more about OCD than an eating disorder. I began sneaking food when my parents wouldn’t acknowledge my weight loss when dieting. I would eat diet food in front of them and then gorge on junk food in private. The same feelings are there still today even though no one is judging me.
My friend, Kay, was mentioning the other day that a good way to clean out your closets is to put all the hangers backwards and then turn it forward when you return something after wearing it put it in properly. At the end of a period of time, remove the items that are still hung backwards. Then she thought for a moment and realized why this would be hard for me.
It is not hard for me to give up things. In fact, I culled the closet recently. What is impossible for me is to turn the hangers in the wrong direction… all items in the closet must be put on the hanger in the same direction and all hangers must be placed with the hook pointing to the back of the closet. Plus, shirts with shirts, pants with pants, sweaters with, well you get it. If I see one thing out of place I will fix it and check out the whole closet.
Clutter is another thing that absolutely drives me up the wall! I can’t live in clutter. However, those who know me well, know that I am usually in a constant state of clutter. How could this be? Well, chronic pain and fatigue sometimes win out over me being able to do anything around the house. On top of that, unfaith like pride stops me from asking for help. So, I end up living on a rollercoaster of disorders that drive my stress levels through the roof.
I want to listen to people who say “you aren’t feeling well, just relax and you will get to all of your chores when you are better”. I want to just say to myself that it is okay to live in a bit of clutter. I want to not need to push myself, only to become sorer or sicker and have the place get into worse shape. I want to not care that even writing about all of this is making me super anxious.
Another obsession of mine is that the holidays are over as of January first. For more years than I can remember I have taken the Christmas tree down, put away all the decorations and turned off the outside lights by the new year. Today is the 9th and while it is unplugged, the tree is still up with every single decoration still in place. The star has fallen over, thanks to the cat and dog at play, but it is still on the tree, hanging by its cord.
How did I let this happen? My leg has been inflamed and sore and my cold/flu has returned. All I seem to do is sleep all day and am up half the night coughing or in pain. I want that tree gone in the worst way; however, the totes for the decorations are behind a bunch of boxes in the spare room. I can’t get them by myself and Hubby has been sick or at work. Actually, I could get the totes. If I did, I would be way too tired to work on the tree anyway.
So, once again my obsessions, compulsions and disorders are in total conflict. The rational side of me knows that this will all work – if only that side can take over! 🙂
Am I like most people with OCD? In some ways, no. But then I am not like most people with anything! I wouldn’t have it any other way. LOL
I am Lydia, and it keeps everyone’s life interesting!
Being Lydia! 
I saw the closet post and thought about it for a millisecond before I realised that would mess with my head far too much. All hangars the same way, all wooden, all the same shape, all clothing types together. Shoes ALWAYS put onto trees and back into their bags…..
The list goes on so I feel you!!
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Yes, I just realized as I read your comment that I should have put a trigger warning on this! But then the title hopefully gives a heads up. It was a very hard write, actually giving me anxiety – but one I needed to do to get it out there. Thanks for commenting – and my list goes on for miles as well. Oh, and my hangers must be plastic. 😉
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Plastic hangers? Oh no, that would never do…. 😉
Aren’t we an odd pair!!
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Yes, I think you and I would get along famously in the real world. I am so impressed with the journey you are on and know how hard these adventures can be at times. I am here for support….or comic relief, whatever you need at the time!
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Ha Ha Ha! Thank you…. 🙂
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I’m glad that others are open to talking about things like OCD. I can remember suffering with this disorder from when i was around 5 years old, I used to do things like put the TV remote in the middle of the room and turn the TV to a certain angle. Not only this but as I was growing up my mom always threatened to take my to the doctors, but she never did. This problem only got worse until I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 15. I could deal with someone telling me I had depression, but for some reason I could never accept someone telling me that I had OCD, I never used to think there was any issue with the things I did (whether it was wear certain clothes on a certain day of the week because something good happened that day, or place things in a particular way and keep going back to it until i was absolutely sure that it was the right way, otherwise something bad would happen to me or I would have a shitty day) until it started to basically take over my life I had to sit back and try to tone it down, I had to tell myself that what I was doing is making my anxieties worse, it was absolute torture.
Now 6 years on my life is so much better, although I still have many little obsessions and compulsions they are not half as bad as they used to be, and this is purely due to the fact I have spoken about my problems and most of all accepted them.
I hope I can help others open out about these sorts of topics, as you are on your blog. Thank you for this read x
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Thank you so much for reading my post and sharing your experience. This one was a hard post to write. I knew I should write about my OCD since I started my blog; however, I just couldn’t get to it. Then when I was writing it, I kept changing it and adding or removing things. I was actually stressed out while doing it. I did feel better when I finally finished and published it, though. Your story is amazing in that you were able to rise above your issues. That takes a lot of work and strength, especially if you are also dealing with depression and anxiety. You give me, and others like us, hope.
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I am adding another reply here to mention that I love your blog entry and am now following you. However, there is no way to comment on or put a like on your posts. If I understand correctly that part of your purpose is to help others, then there should be a way for us to communicate with you on each post. I look forward to reading more from you!
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Thank you! You have actually just inspired me to write a post about OCD myself, and my struggles with it.
Yes I really want to help others understand themselves and overcome any issues they may have by sharing my experiences and coping techniques.
I am glad you have enjoyed my entry as much as I have enjoyed yours.
Thank you so much, you are my first supporter lol 🙂 x
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