At my core, this is me. I have always gone for the worst case scenario hook, line, and sinker.
While I have made tons of progress in reaching for the positive, there is still that little voice inside me that often wins out. Sadly ironic is the fact that I used to strive to be Wonder Woman. I would volunteer for everything, and then the anxiety would kick in and I would get nothing done.
I agreed to alter and repair several articles of clothing for a neighbour and friend. She was going to pay me. I did one item the day after she delivered them to me and then it was months later she had to phone and ask for a skirt I was to shorten. She was going to a funeral and needed it in two days. After that, it was another several months and she came over and just asked for them all back. She went to pay me for the work I had done; however, I told her no because I had not done what I agreed to.
This behaviour became a pattern, and I am not proud of it. I think I did it so people would like me and ended up having them get frustrated when I didn’t come through. I got frustrated with myself so that is where the anxiety kicked in. I would be stressed because if I said “no” they may not like me anymore (worst possible conclusion), but if I said yes, then I would feel a heavy responsibility which would also bring high anxiety.
Things are getting better. I have learned that the word “no” isn’t that hard to say. One example is giving up cake decorating. I also recently said no to a leadership course that I wanted to take because my health was not good. If it comes up again, it was meant to be, and if it doesn’t, well, there will be other opportunities.
I also have not to be hard on myself during pain flares. If I push through a flare, I will pay for it later with more pain and less production! All of this can trigger my depression and bipolar which is something I try hard to keep in check.
I should be letting go and letting God handle any situation that brings anxiety. I am getting better at this. I know that He allows me to go through what I do because I am strong, and He wants to use it for His glory. If I become anxious, then I am not letting Him take the wheel!
So, someday I hope to hang up my “Anxiety Girl” cape for good. But then, I wouldn’t be me without a little drama! 😉