I Forgive Me

Sometime last year I wrote a post regarding my bingeing disorder. I will find something that is unhealthy and eat until it is gone or until I just can’t possibly eat any more.

Well, with the return of severe pain flares and some external stresses, the bingeing as come back with a vengeance. I don’t eat a lot when I am in this much pain and what I do eat is usually comfort foods – frozen yoghurt, potato chips, chocolate, etc.

Last night I was watching a new reality series called “Strong” where ten everyday women are paired up with 10 of the best male trainers “in the world.” They will go through challenges each week while becoming stronger in mind and body until one team is left to take the $500,000 prize.

While watching this, I became very aware of my situation.

• I want to work but can’t due to my many health issues.
• I am aware of the fact the I am overweight, and that doesn’t help with my pain issues.
• Fat and sugar are not conducive to pain control.
• I could use the money spent on binge foods for healthier snacks.
• Keeping this secret to myself is causing more stress.
• I have been reading about so many of you working hard on your diets and exercise programs, and I know that I need to do something, or my health is NOT going to get better. In fact, it WILL get worse!

I stopped watching the show after about 1/2 hour because Kay called and said she would like to see it too. Within the next 1/2 hour, I talked to Coach and Hubby and texted Dee asking for prayer, to tell them that I had slipped again and didn’t know what to do. I also told Kay, who’s evening plans got changed and said she was coming over.

Kay and I watched the show and talked a bit about pressures, pain, food. I was encouraged that she had done this for me. I managed to eat some toast to take my evening pills. Otherwise, I was very quiet. This continued once Hubby got home from work. Though I was pleasantly distracted by watching “The Voice” Eliminations, I was still thinking about what a failure I was.

Later, when I was up by myself with leg and back pain, I started to pray for my situation. I asked the Lord and those I thought I hurt for forgiveness. Then it hit me. The reason I keep turning to food for comfort is because I have not forgiven myself. I have not fully thought out the situation.

When I am in pain I don’t eat as much and since I started having the throat, liver, and kidney problems, I eat small amounts more often. It is just how my stomach works.

If I didn’t eat some of those things I probably wouldn’t eat at all. The creamy texture of ice cream and frozen yoghurt go down my throat easily. The saltiness of the potato chips is obviously filling some need. So, I just need to replace them with or add in some healthier foods like raw veggies (ranch dip is okay in small amounts), Dee’s awesome wontons, fresh fruit, etc.

Once I forgave myself, I was able to settle down to sleep. I still want to get some help to narrow down the real cause of the bingeing; however, I am not going to be so hard on myself while I am in pain.

Lydia!