I have been feeling a little small and insignificant lately. I think it is just the pain, fatigue and insomnia and maybe a bit of the enemy trying to break me down. I have had this feeling many times before, and as long as I believe in what the Lord can do, I get through it.
When I was in culinary school, I was in the afternoon class and had an hour and a half trip home. I would get home around 11 pm and would have to wind down so I would work on an assignment and/or chat with a wonderful friend who just had a baby so was up at all hours as well. Then I would wake up fairly early hopefully in time to say goodbye to Hubby as he went to work. We didn’t see much of each other during that time.
We had a particularly difficult exam, recalling the six different custard recipes. They had different amounts and types of dairy and eggs and everything had to be exact for each. There were also measurement conversions, temperature conversions and flash points of oils. I tried and tried to study, but nothing was going into my brain. Hubby was off that day and was trying to help any way he could, but I was just a wreck – little sleep, an aversion to tests in general, and the fact that at this point I was having a difficult time with the other students (thanks to bipolar and pain). I said that was it, I wasn’t going to go. If you missed an exam, you failed…simple as that.
Hubby let me blow off some steam and after a few tantrums and a lot of tears, I finally decided to go. I was running late so Hubby said he would drive me; however I said I wanted to take transit so I could study. I drove to the commuter train station and once on the train I opened my textbook and put on my earphones. I had an MP3 disk in my Walkman and had been listening to individual albums. I turned it on expecting to hear Neil Diamond. When it wasn’t, I looked at the player which “somehow” got into random mode.
The song that was playing was Casting Crown’s “The Voice of Truth”. This is a powerful song showing how the world can put you down but Jesus always has your back as long as you believe. I listened to that song three times with tears rolling down my face. I was so glad I was alone at the back of the train car. I tried to read the notes; however, they still made no sense, so I closed the book and said “Dear Lord, you are going to have to write this exam for me because I can’t. Sort of like “Jesus Take The Wheel” by Carrie Underwood. I just gave it all to Him because I had nothing left.
I got to school and changed into restaurant clothes just in time. I sat down as they were shutting the door. If you came late for an exam, you didn’t write and you failed. When the paper was put in front of me and the timer started, I looked at the words and nothing made sense. I prayed one more time and just started to write. The song kept going through my head and I just kept writing. I was the second person to hand in my paper but had no idea what I wrote, none at all. I didn’t have high expectations, though I gave that up to the Lord as well.
We got our marks the next day. Usually, mine was handed out first because of the alphabet; however, our chef instructor started with the next person and went on from there. When he finished, he called me to his desk. I was expecting a big fat “F” but I just kept hearing:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
And the voice of truth says, “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Our chef instructor looked at me, smiled and handed me the paper saying “see, you can do it.” I looked at the paper in total disbelief for a second and then understood it. God got 100%.
I have included an interview with Mark Hall explaining the story behind “The Voice of Truth.” It is a very personal testimony.