Guest Post – Sorry To Push You Away!

Not all mental illness is JUST about mental illness. I am one of the “lucky” people who gets to deal with physical pain and other symptoms as well as depression, bipolar, anxiety, etc. Lisa Finks of “Pain, Hope, Love” talks about how chronic pain can invoke a lot of the same stress (and stigma) as mental illness can.

Lydia!

Sorry To Push You Away!
by Lisa Finks, Pain, Hope, Love

The other night I posted a saying that went something like this: “Pain changes people, it makes them trust less, over think more, and shut people out.”  Are you one of the people who I have shut out?  Or are you someone who I don’t trust? If you are and I have pushed you away, then I am sorry.  I know that I turned away from a lot of people and pushed many people away.  I know that I have had people in my life that are no longer in it because of me. Just know that it isn’t you.

What causes us with pain to push people away?

I have over the years had “best” friends that I have turned my back on.  There are people in my life that I have no trusted and made them work for my friendship.  And all this has happened over the courses of the last 8 years when I have been dealing with chronic pain.

What is it that when you are in pain that you believe that you are not worthy of love or people’s affection. Many times we are pushing people away because we don’t have the energy to give that person the love and attention that we believe they so deserve.  Never mind what we deserve, we don’t feel that we are up to that. We feel that the people around us deserve so much more than us.  That we aren’t enough for those not living in chronic pain.  When in reality, we deserve just as much as the next person, chronic pain or not.

What is it like to be depressed and not wanting to lose your friends?

When you are depressed, the world seems to be a color of gray.  There is no sunshine and there is no happiness. There is a lot of pain and sadness.  There is a lot of unhappiness.  So why would anybody want to be a part of your life when you can’t see anything that would bring the sunshine to your life.  Why would others want to be a part of that? We don’t invite others into our lives and we push those that were in your life away.

Pushing others away is the easy part.  Ignoring them, being mean to them,  and not being nice is the easy part.  Working for friendship. being nice and caring to someone should be the easy part but when you are suffering on the inside, it’s hard to show someone love and affection.  So we push people away.  We would rather be alone than try to be a part of a group.

Why is it hard to have friends when life is so bleak?

When suffering from depression and lack of energy, just to name a few, life isn’t easy.  Not only are you trying to take care of yourself, but then add anyone else that is in your life and are burnt out.  After all, you only have so many spoonies in your day and when you are out of them, you don’t get any more spoons till the next day. So if you are someone I pushed away, don’t take it personally.  If you are someone who I didn’t trust or have the energy for, don’t take it personally.

Know that living life with chronic pain is exhausting.  Living life with a  color of gray is one of the hardest things a person can do.  So trying to be as normal as possible is one thing that takes a lot of work.  Remember that it’s not something that you did.  It’s not something to be taken personally or its something against you.  This is something that is against me and me.  That’s all.`This is all about me and my world.  That’s it.  It has nothing to do with you. Trust me on that.

First posted in Pain, Hope, Love.
Used by permission