“And so I stand here
Looking at all that I have made
Fallen in ruins
And it would seem that
It’s out of my hands
There’s nothing I can do
The best laid plans
Again have fallen through
I thought my world
Was under my command
Now I can’t believe
Just how glad I am
It’s out of my hands”
That is a song (by Carolyn Arends) I have loved and related to for many years. But the phrase “It’s Out Of My Hands” has taken on a more literal meaning for me lately.
The osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia, carpal tunnel, and tendonitis in my hands have taken their toll and my grip is not what it used to be. I am continually dropping things. The worst part is that much of the time my restricted movement in my back and legs stops me from being able to pick up or clean up whatever falls.
Last night I was going to the fridge to put something away and the rest of my morning smoothie was sitting on the top shelf with no lid. Sure enough, when I went to put something on that shelf the cup moved. As I tried to grab the handle my fingers stiffened and it literally flew out of the fridge and centrifuged all over the kitchen! The cup didn’t break, but there was berry smoothie all over everything, including me. The worst of it was our brother was over for dinner – not one of my finer moments LOL (one of those times if you don’t laugh you will cry)!
I was able to start the clean-up process but Hubby had to take over because my back and knees just wouldn’t take that much bending. I just get so frustrated. I know I am not the only one to have misshaped hands, but it is happening to me and I have to deal with that.
My stamina for cleaning house and doing meal prep is deteriorating as well. Last night I was able to pull together wings, potato wedges and salad for three, but sometimes I can’t manage soup for one! Hubby has been telling me to get some help in for quite awhile now but the thought of someone seeing my place (and me) this way is somewhere my OCD mind can’t go.
10 years ago we cooked at a camp on Vancouver Island for the summer. We met a lot of wonderful young people during our few months there (cut short by two emotional melt-downs on my part). One person that we have stayed in touch with over the years is a young woman who has had a rough start but is one of the strongest people I know. She certainly would not agree but that is just part of her strength – she owns her weaknesses.
She recently noted on Facebook that she needed to find a second job because she wasn’t making enough for all her expenses and any luxuries like food. Her first job? She is a licensed care aid. For me, that is a blessing from God.
Here is someone familiar and is trained to help me with what I need personally and around the house. She worked with us in the kitchen at camp (and worked in a care home kitchen before going to school.
I spoke to hubby and also to her because I wanted to know what she was looking for. After consideration and prayer, we worked out a deal that she will come in one day a week for 6 hours and help me with what I need. I can’t tell you how relieved and blessed I feel that I am going to get help and it is someone I feel totally comfortable with.
I remember when a new person would come to look after Dad in the mornings I would usually be up to see who they were and make sure everything was okay. When it was someone we had for a while I would allow myself that hour to sleep in.
One thing is I am realizing is that I am feeling empowered by the fact I am getting some help rather than feeling weak or dependent. And I know that it takes some pressure off of Hubby as well as he wonders if I am okay and needs to do so much more around here that I can’t.
Another way I took things out of my hands in a good way is regarding one of my review clients. I was given access to 6 months of the “Zero to Hero” program by Megan Densmore. I will be doing my review soon so won’t say much about the program itself; however, when I finally realized I was failing on my own trying to do the workouts I finally reached out to Megan and she is amazing! She gave workarounds for exercises I (and others) have difficulty with and also told me to not put pressure on myself to do things perfectly or worry so much about the review. I am now able to attempt the workouts and feel good about it and I feel I am close to being able to write a review as well.
Finally, the song I quoted above goes on to attribute all the “letting go” to God. While this is my mindset, it doesn’t have to be yours. You could have someone like our young friend or Megan come alongside you and be encouraging and uplifting.
Another song that fits here is “Let It Go” from Frozen. I just have to change one line “the pain never bothered me anyway”. Well, it does, but not when I let it go out of my hands.