Once again, Sheryl from A Chronic Voice has picked some great prompts. And once again I am a little behind in getting them done! But I have and that is the main thing. These prompts challenged me a little this month…and I see that as a good thing!
This is a very timely topic!
One trait of bipolar disorder is the compulsion to spend money like it is going out of style. In my 20’s and 30’s, I was known for going into a store to buy one dress and coming out with four – two that I would probably never wear because I couldn’t figure out why I bought them in the first place. And I wanted a pair of shoes for every outfit. I worked in a government office so I had to look good!
Since marrying my hubby and having a few too many shopping sprees, I have tried to give all control of our finances to him. But it isn’t easy letting go of that compulsion. It is like it is hard-wired in me. So I have just let him tighten up the purse strings as much as he can and I get my grocery, household, and pet budgets every week and have to spend within those parameters. He has set up my PayPal and bank accounts with email messages to him each time I spend so I have to answer to him each time I use them. I have still found ways around it; however, I love him and really want to do better so I am learning to restrain myself and discuss everything with him. And I am finding that it not only keeps the peace but makes me feel good too that I am not sneaking around.
I guess the significance of this is that life is speeding on by. It is hard to believe it is October already and even harder to believe I just had my 60th birthday. I wrote about this previously but not from the perspective of time.
I have quoted Steve Miller before that “Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking into the future. I have been married to the love of my life for 17 years and knew him for exactly 10 years previously to the day (September 1st). So much has happened in the family during that time. Weddings, (unfortunately divorces and funerals), babies, dogs and cats, and so many family get-togethers with extended family. Being a part of this family for this long has been one of the highlights of my life. And I don’t want to blink or I will miss what happens in the next 10 or 20 years!
On October 18th I had a long-awaited MRI. We are hoping that it will bring to light why I can’t think clearly. I forget things, and not just for a minute or two but forever. My talking is slower because I have to think out each word so I don’t forget any. Also, I am having full body tremors which occasionally border on seizure-like movements.
But in general, I am slowing down as well. I guess at 60, even in a healthy body, let alone a chronically frail one like mine, slowing is not only inevitable but appreciated! I mean we can’t all be like my friend Sam who ran in the Boston Marathon at 60! I am actually happy to be able to walk around our dog park a couple of times a day.
As I was anticipating turning 60 I started taking stock of where I was compared to where I wanted to be. To my surprise, I am quite happy with where I am. I need to become proactive on a few things (taking this blog to the next level for one) and I need to not give as much importance to other things (like the fact I just don’t have as much energy or endurance as I used to. But all in all my life is pretty good.
- I have a loving husband who does everything he can to help make our lives better even though I know he isn’t completely healthy either
- I have two adorable fur-kids (Monkey the cat and Miley the dog) who can drive me crazy but always win my heart with their goofy antics and cuddly nature.
- I have my faith to guide me
- I have a lot of good friends who accept me as I am
- I have a loving family who may not understand my health but care about me as a whole person.
- And most of all, I have myself.
Now, this is probably the most challenging prompt for this month. Why? Because I have nothing/nowhere I want to escape from or to escape to.
Most of my life I wanted to escape from my life (and a couple of times life in general but I am so thankful I didn’t). I hated who I was, my upbringing and a lot of other facets of my life. However, this just breeds anger and hate and that is not who I want to be anymore.
As for escaping in the positive sense, sure, I would love to hop on another cruise ship heading almost anywhere. However, it isn’t going to happen for at least a while and I am fine. There are a lot of beautiful places to visit right around where we live.
Finally, a third aspect of “escape” could be so I could remember what it was like before all of this started. However, again, I don’t see it happening any time soon and I can accept that. But it sure would be nice!