Yes, here I go quoting Queen again, and Bo-Rap no less. But it just fits.
I mentioned in my last post that I spent the better part of the last three months in a deep fog of fatigue, pain and other side effects. Normally I can push through all of this, even if doing so means I will pay later. Not during this time though.
I thought I would dig a little deeper into what that was really like.
I had very little to do for Christmas which is good because I did less than nothing. My only task for the family dinner was to make my Brussels sprouts and not only did I end up sending a bag of raw sprouts, I didn’t make it to the dinner. That was on the Saturday before the big day and we didn’t make any specific plans for the 25th because we didn’t know how I would be. Poor Hubby pretty much ended up spending the day by himself with the fur-kids while I slept.
A few weeks before Christmas I had a birthday cake and cupcakes to do for twin girls celebrating their first birthday. It was a referral from one of my regulars and I really wanted to do a great job. I just assumed I could push through like always, but I would sit in my recliner thinking of all I should do and not get anywhere. I should have cancelled the order but that is not how I normally work. In the end, it cost me a second order and probably more business from the same group of Moms of twins. Plus, I was not only sick I was also feeling very very guilty and disappointed.
Taking Miley for walks became a struggle to make it to the grass across the street in front of the dog park so she could do what she had to and then back home. I could feel the effort of every step and Miley was very good, but I knew she was disappointed – so was I.
And Hubby would have to ask every time he called on his way home if I needed him to pick up dinner or was good. Most of the time he either picked up or I ordered in. This gets expensive and with our strict intolerances very challenging. Food didn’t taste good and/or didn’t stay for long. I was eating a lot of ice cream, soup, etc. – anything that was creamy and had a strong enough flavour without being hard on my tummy.
I could go on, but I think you get the picture. Life was a big blur and with it going on for so long I was worried that this was my new reality. The infusion treatments were supposed to improve my quality of life; however, they just seemed to take me further and further down the rabbit hole.
I remember seeing a documentary on Queen and Adam Lambert. It told the story of how he became the new frontman for the band without trying to “replace” Freddie…of course that is an impossibility as there could only be one Freddie Mercury. But Adam couldn’t just take over as Adam either. He was able to find the balance between the two and is as masterful at it as Freddie was at being unique.
Anyway, the documentary showed Adam’s first concert in the lead role. He is standing on the stage and says “Is this the real-life (pause) or is it just fantasy?”
Of course, any devoted Queen fan knows that is the opening line of Bohemian Rapsody. But it described how Adam was feeling about being there on that stage, about to take on the role of a lifetime.
It also described how I was thinking about my health. I didn’t want to be a Zombie not being able to do anything, feel anything, enjoy anything. Was the cure worse than the disease? I was beginning to think so (when I could think that is).
Even when I went off the treatment it took a good three weeks before I even started to get back to any sense of my personal reality. However, I did find myself coming back slowly. And now we are on take 2 – so far so good.
So, I found out that this temporary “reality” was “fantasy” after all, brought on by medication. However, the reality is also in a way a fantasy because if all goes well the new treatment will give me a whole new reality with less pain, fatigue and infections.
I decided to use a live version of Queen doing Bo-Rap with Adam Lambert for several reasons. It shows how he has made the songs his reality without taking away anything from “The King of Queen” at all. It includes the recorded “choir” video and audio of the “operatic part” the group used in all their concerts including Mercury’s own image and vocals. You can see a few little cameos of Rami Malek (the movie’s Freddie). And it shows Brian May in a costume from outer space! Be warned it is almost 6 minutes and the key line is barely heard over the crowd at the very beginning. But it is worth a watch and a listen.